Healing Anxiety... from 16 to 60

From 16 to 60 ~ Healing Anxiety....

It was obvious I was already a troubled teen, but one night that would change for the worse.

What began at the tender young age of 16 as a hideous nightmare, is now pretty much non existent facing my not so tender young age of 60. Though decades later, I have a much different awareness, attitude and approach to anxiety and panic.

One dark night, when I was 16 years old laying in my bed upset over something, when a friend of my brother, who I trusted, was sitting on the floor beside me trying to comfort me, a very sweet gesture, by gently stroking my right arm. In a flash and an instant, my world changed and turned even more upside down that would trigger decades of angst, confusion and disturbances.

As soon as he gently stroked my arm, I flew out of bed, my body responding in a way that was completely foreign to me, which made the panic amplify. I ran to my parents for help and from that moment on began my healing journey. That healing journey has taken me to many dark places only to help find clarity, love and peace in the end.

The panic I felt that night, didn't just up and go away, it lingered and grew tentacles so it would end up affecting many aspects of my being and life. At one point in my early 20's, my anxiety was so amplified by past natal depression, that even the thought of the pegs for the clothesline caused panic over pairing colours! The pressure over something so small was overwhelming.

Another time in my 30's, I was so overwhelmed by the anxiety, I threw myself onto my bed and recited the Lord's Prayer over and over and over again until it passed. The next day I told my then GP that I NEVER want to feel that way again! So back onto the pills it was. But it didn't solve the issue, the anxiety, it never would, it never could!

When in my 40's, on one new years eve, my partner at the time stroked my right arm in the same way, I immediately had the same reaction, flew out of bed in panic, but the difference this time I had a knowing why I reacted this way.

While confronting and challenging to remember the original moment as a child, my grandfather doing the exact same gesture ~ stroking my right arm ~ only his gesture was alongside extremely inappropriate behaviour.

This new information was able to surface after being suppressed for 40 years!

This original incident left a body & deep psychological association, with that gesture. Something I could work with to heal this part of the trauma.

But because this panic attack at 16 years old was so intense and prolonged, it left me feeling more anxious of it happening again. Layered on the implicit memory of the abuse, undiagnosed level 1 autism, deeply sensitive and intuitive, toxic dysfunctional family dynamics, of course my anxiety was only going to be amplified for prolonged periods of time!

Then began a decades long dance with anti-depressants and many many forms of therapies from psychiatrists to sacred plant medicines.

Even into my 50's I was still struggling with anxiety, however in hindsight a lot of life choices contributed to the cause of anxiety I was still experiencing.

What a journey it has been. Then the anxiety and associated discomfort start to slowly bug me, rather than angst me, whenever I began feeling this way, then over time I realised there are actually many causes and triggers for anxiety and panic, implicit and explicit! But the 5 most common garden variety reasons for experiencing anxiety are;

1. Breath - you may be unconsciously holding your breath or breathing shallow

2. Dehydration - may be caused by not drinking enough water or other fluids

3. Guilt - a self-conscious negative emotion experienced when someone believes they have done something wrong, especially if it has caused harm to another person or violated their own moral standards. It's a feeling of responsibility for wrongdoing and often involves a sense of distress or remorse. 

4. Shame - is a painful emotion characterized by feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, or disgrace, often arising from the belief that one has done something wrong, immoral, or dishonorable.

5. Doubt - is a feeling of uncertainty or lack of confidence in one's own abilities, qualities, or judgment. It's a common human experience where individuals question their competence, decisions, or even their worth. This can manifest as a persistent inner critic, leading to anxiety, avoidance, and low self-esteem. 

and these 4 triggers we can face and turn anxiety into curiosity. Because anxiety and panic attacks are triggers to be taken notice of and explored NOT suppressed or avoided at all costs.

And more often than not, most actually know what the trigger is around the anxiety, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Most anxiety is not a physical response, unless of course clear and present danger is imminent which is a different story, but rather a physiological response from a psychological trigger which could have originally been from clear and present dangerous person, situation or experience.The terms "physical," "physiological," and "psychological" describe different, yet interconnected, aspects of an individual. Physical refers to the body's structure and form, while physiological relates to the body's functions and processes. Psychological pertains to the mind, encompassing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

Physical encompasses the tangible aspects of the body, like its size, shape, and anatomical structures. It's what you can see and touch, including things like height, weight, and bone structure. 

Physiological delves into how the body works, focusing on the functions of organs and systems. It examines the chemical and physical processes that keep the body functioning, such as heart rate, digestion, and hormone production. 

Psychological focuses on the mind and its functions, including mental processes like thinking, feeling, and personality. It explores how individuals perceive, interact with, and respond to the world around them, as well as the development of mental processes according to psychology resources.

In my journey from 16 to 60 the only practice in the end that healed my panic and anxiety was by facing them with care and curiosity, with spiritual wisdom and universal truths, with more neutrality than reactivity. By learning to love myself. By learning to say NO. By learning to implement and support personal boundaries. So I could face the triggers to the physical sensations, cause lets face it, that's what we want gone, that and the racing thoughts.

Gently, kindly and slowly work on how you are reacting and responding to the rise of the anxiety and/or panic. Try to focus to what you thought or are thinking/feeling towards yourself or outside of you, someone or someones experiences events, situations or the like?

1. Oxygen ~ Breathe

Practice a breathing technique – I practice box breathing. Breathe in for the count of 4, hold for the count of 4, breathe out for the count of 4, hold for the count of four, breathe in for the count of 4 and so on and so on, till you feel calmer.

Another one of my practices is to check in with my body and my breath several times a day at least. I check into my breath and take note if I am holding my breath or breathing shallow and if I find I am I choose to deliberately practice long, slow deep breaths at the same time as imaging slowing down my adrenal response. I have found this reduces the anxious feeling.

2. Dehydration ~ Water

Check in to see how much water you have drunk that day.

We can go 3 minutes without oxygen, we can go 3 weeks without fuel, but we can only go 3 days without hydration. Dehydration can cause anxiety type feelings, confused thinking, emotional responses and lethargy.

So a pure physical response to the body dehydrating, which causes death!, will trigger anxiety. Of course it would, your body is signalling you that something is very wrong. Water is also one of the most potent anti-inflammatories, also obvious when you think about water putting out fire!

Have a glass of clean clear WATER, and notice a difference. Incidentally, we should all be aiming for 2 litres A DAY of good clean clear filtered water!

Guilt ~ Apologise

Guilt can make us feel anxious, especially when something we have said or done is found out or will be found out. Best to face this one head-on by owning up to it swiftly and apologising whether to self, another or others. Not just apologise either, but determining that you will try and do better moving forward. And actually practice doing better. Remember we are works in progress and holding onto guilt will only hinder your progress and keep you stunted.

Shame ~ Forgiveness

Shame also contributes to feeling anxious as we are generally judging ourselves, criticising ourselves or shaming ourselves whether warranted or not. The best approach is to be dispassionate about whatever it is you are feeling shame from or towards, apply reason to whatever the cause to feel shame is and practice forgiving yourself and others by not holding onto the memories and coming back to the present moment and creating new better memories.

Brene Brown has a phenomenal talk on such topics:

https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=6bkkUxp2aaGOrz4N

Doubt ~

Whether doubt around situations, experiences, skills, knowledge, words, actions, or deeds about self or others, can creep in and cause angst and anxiety. Challenge your thoughts around your doubt, is it realistic to feel doubt? In some instances it is only time and practice that we level up, skill up, embody something. So be real about what it is you doubt.

The other thing to remember about anxiety or anxious feelings is that it is your own way of trying to get your attention to something that is out of balance, whether that be guilt, shame or doubt. These feelings and/or thoughts are asking for you attention to heal, to love, to compassionately address & reconcile.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ Serenity Prayer

Blessings,

Mim

Mystic Pathways