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Q & A : If I blame myself because I enable & excuse how people treat me is that blaming or owning?

Agnes’s Question:

If I tell you that I blame myself for where I am in life because I enable people & make excuses for how others treat me is that owning the problem or blaming them?

Mim’s Response:


It is neither owning nor blaming but rather you are stating. And if that is how you are feeling then that is how you are feeling and no one should try and tell you different.

When we own our problems that is when we start doing things differently. When we blame someone else for the state of our lives, we are projecting.

At the end of the day, it is free will and choice how we all treat one another. We do not have the ability or the right to control someone else and make them do what we want them to do.

If someone is not treating you well or respectfully then the onus is on you to remove yourself from the situation, set healthy boundaries out of love not judgement, and care for them from a distance if you happen to be in any kind of relationship with them.

However, calling out bad behaviour is the way we get to stand up for ourselves and give the other the option to self correct. This does not necessarily mean that they must change, for only when they feel they must change will they change.

My question back is ‘why you would be letting someone treat you that way when you are an adult with rights and independence?’ It is not a good sign for the relationship what is going on for the person trying to control you and not a good sign for where you are at by allowing them to do that.

Nothing will change while you enable both your behaviours to continue. You cannot change them, they have to want to change and even then it's not easy...

You need to start building yourself up.

Agnes: I try to build myself up then I’m told I’m evil & manipulative.

What you allow persists and we DO end up teaching people how to treat us by what we allow.

I know how difficult it is to shift that focus from policing and pleasing them... to policing and pleasing yourself! And to police and please yourself is your responsibility and not out of spite but actually out of love and compassion for the both of you. If you don't put in boundaries look where it ends up.... both of you hurting. When you put in healthy boundaries out of care and love for you BOTH it helps to avoid these abusive situations.

But to know what boundaries you are staunch on and which ones you can be flexible with now and then is determined by you... and to know what they are you need to go within.

What you need to answer is why are you abandoning yourself? Turn your focus away from what they are saying and doing and turn it to what are you saying and doing to yourself?

Agnes: I have no idea what to do or think anymore

And that is sometimes the best place to be because it shows you are inbetween. Don't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. How many times have you tried the same thing?

What could you do differently right now? What is a different thought you could think right now?

Agnes: I’m trying to work out how my actions are evil, I can’t shut my mind down, even meditation isn’t working.

Please, please, please get one thing straight, your actions are not evil. They are words to tear you down and you are falling for it.

So the brain is in overload because of cognitive dissonance... you know your actions are not evil but because of your story, old habits are surfacing. Yet there is part of you that is now struggling with olds ways of being... you gotta keep going with the new thoughts that you are not evil and someone is just saying that because they are in fear of losing control of you.

You will do your head in trying to understand. What you need to wrap your head around is BOUNDARIES.

- to assist in determining your values

Lee Harris has a powerful healing course ‘Empaths v’s Narcissists’ which may assist also

- Melanie Tonia Evans has a lot of free material on healing from narcissistic abuse

There is an excellent audio book called 'How to Heal Your Attachment Wounds' by Dianne Poole Heller... please get onto audible and download it... it was a game changer for me.

Agnes: thankyou, I will get onto it



Mystic Pathways

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